10 Things Nobody Told Me About Having Boys!

I sometimes wonder if I was properly prepared for having 5 kids, 4 of whom are little boys.  After all, no one handed me the instructions manual that explained what makes boys tick!  So I’ve decided to write the Cole’s Notes version, just for you!  Share it if you know someone who also never received the manual!

1. Bonking Sticks – If there’s fighting that involves bonking each other with a stick, then it’s smiles all around for my boys.  When I say “sticks”, I use this word loosely.  A stick can be anything like a broom handle, vacuum cleaner nozzle or even toothbrushes attached to one another by elastics.

2. Gone in 30 seconds – To date, nothing has survived the destructive nature of my boys.  They’re kind of like Hurricane Sandy, except she didn’t break every new toy in sight in 30 seconds or less.  Yes, I’m equating my sons to a hurricane.

3. Superhero Overkill – Boys love superheroes, it’s a fact!  So pack up your bags now if you don’t want to see every shirt and pair of briefs in your house stamped with the face of Spiderman, Superman, Ironman, Batman or some other hero.  I’m serious. 

4. Ball Magnetism – Boys are attracted to balls, the way that moths are drawn to a flame.  It doesn’t matter what type of ball: tennis ball, soccer ball or super bouncy ball.  Give a boy a ball, he will entertain himself for hours bouncing the ball off your best ceramic vase, through your glass window pane, or flushing it down the toilet.  

5. If You Sprinkle, When You Tinkle… – Talking about the toilet, much can be said about my boys and this subject.  Topics that come to mind include Missed Urination (ie: playing on the iPhone while peeing and missing the toilet bowl entirely), Public Urination (the love of peeing in the great outdoors), and Pee Revenge (squirting your brother with a drop of pee or two when he steps out of line).  It’s a boy thing.  

6. A Bear’s Appetite – It doesn’t matter how old your son is, from a very young age he will eat you out of house and home.  No one tells you that this starts right at birth.  Standing between the refrigerator and 4 hungry boys, is akin to standing between a mother bear and her cub.  (I hear it only gets worse in the teen years.)

7. Ah, Sweet Risk-Taking! - If there’s an element of danger or risk-taking in an activity, it instantly becomes more appealing to the boys.  Risk-taking can be anything like eating an old hotdog found on the kitchen floor, sitting on the top shelf of the closet, or pushing close to a dead animal in the street.  The greater the risk, the sweeter the reward. 

8. All Pumped Up – Give my boys a bicycle pump and they will pump and inflate for hours on end!  Try to take it away from them, and they’ll bonk you with a stick!  I haven’t yet cracked this phenomenon, but put a bunch of boys in a room with a pump and try your own social experiment.  

9. Family Feud – To my boys, fighting with one another is a happy diversion, a sport.  Wrestling brings a grin, a karate chop to the ribs brings a smile, and kicking a brother in the pants causes all around hysterics!  I count a scrape nightly, a fresh bruise weekly, and a chipped tooth monthly.

10. Dumb & Dumber – Yes, my boys actually fight over who claims the title of dumb and who claims the title of dumber.  It goes something like this: “I’m dumber!”  BASH!  “No, I’m dumber!”  BASH!  “NO, I really am dumber!”  BASH!  Until both boys are laying down side-by-side weeping.  And yet neither boy makes a move to get up and leave his tormentor.

This article was written by me, Jenna Em, and appears in the November 13th, 2012 issue of the Huffington Post.